Cheyenne's way

[angel251977]

This is a story about an American Indian woman who fell in love with a married man, had to end the affair, for the tribe would never accept her relationship with him.. The story begins with this prologue from years ago, then, it progresses throughout the years, I hope you like it..

Prologue
1978
"But, Cheyenne... We love each other!"

Cheyenne blinked her doe eyes at him, as she held his large hands
within hers. "This.. This thing between us is so very wrong Morris.. You have
a wife... You just have to understand that it is not meant to be between us."

Morris cupped her cheek, stroking it with tender love and emotion
shining brightly in his eyes. "We have a law in this country, where I can easily
go to any courthouse and get a divorce."

Shaking her head strongly in denial, she continued to implore him of
her steadfast desire to end their affair in a amiable, reasonable manner. "You
do not understand!... I have already brought much shame upon my family as
it is.. No, I can not let you sway me once again... We must part ways now...
Before we make a horrible mistake."

"But, love is not a mistake.."

Cheyenne blinked back the tears threatening to give her away. She
stiffened her lip ready to deal the most deafening blow. “Go back to her!...
I do not love you anymore.”

“You do not mean that!”

“But.. yes...” Pausing, she casually glanced over his left shoulder
where Rain Cloud, her elder brother stood glaring at her, silently reminding
her of the punishment she would endure if she did not do as he had asked her
to, and she told herself that it was the best thing she could do under the current
circumstances. Nothing would ever change, Rain Cloud had been right about
his assessment from the beginning.

“I do mean exactly what I am saying!... Go back to your family, you do
not and will never belong here.. Go home to your family, leave me be...” As one
final jab in the heart she spat out these last fateful words... “Leave white man!”

Morris’s face turned white, tortured with anger and disappointment.
“I-I never thought you were that way... I had thought that you saw past the color
of my face.”

Chin up she explained, “I must have been kidding myself.. You only
used me as a pleasurable diversion.. That is what you have always thought of
me... And, that is what I will never abide from you again. So, I would thank you
if you would kindly leave me and my tribe in peace.”

Morris nodded in head stoically in numb agreement. “I guess you are
right... I never knew you at all... You never loved me.”

_________________
http://angel-elizabeth1977.blogspot.com/

[Juliette26]

This is such an interesting idea!!! I really enjoyed reading this and would totally enjoy reading more!

My only suggestion is that sometimes the dialogue seemed almost 2D - very...flat. Almost like, "I am a character speaking in a story," than someone in real life. BUT I only noticed that on one or two lines.

My only MAIN complaint is that this was too short! Haha! I would really love to read more.

[angel251977]

Thanks very much for reading my excerpt, first of all.
And, I will say that I wrote this story over a few years ago. And, as of now it's still in the first draft stage.
I haven't had a chance to work on my emotions and the little tiny details that would make the story more human.
And, as you said, not so flat!

I really appreciate honesty and I'm very glad to know that you liked what you read overall.

_________________
http://angel-elizabeth1977.blogspot.com/

[DaniR]

About the dialogue - I think it might sound more natural if you used some contractions. Spoken communication is generally very informal (my linguistics classes are coming back to haunt me...), and so always writing out things like "do not" rather than "don't" sounds a little stilted. However, I think the story idea is very intriguing. I would love to know more about how they met, and why she is only now deciding to break off their relationship. I hope you post more in the future so I can find out more about these characters!

[angel251977]